Monday, February 6, 2012

No Sense in Fretting About It

You wake up feeling as if you'd spent half the night in some highly agitated variation of REM sleep. Really you have gotten more exercise tossing and turning than you're probably going to get during the entire day, especially if you forgo (as you've been inclined to do lately) your 30 minute morning walk. What traumatic situation were you dreaming about? Something to do with smuggling tiny illegal aliens across the U.S./Mexican border in your purse and running like hell with La Migra in hot pursuit.You decide not to try to analyze this.

Today of all days you are in dire need of your ritual caffeine boost. Unfortunately the milk in your refrigerator is in a transformative state, going  from liquid to solid, and so you are obliged to manage with a can of whipped cream.  Which would be fine except that there are only enough squirts for one mug of coffee and you really are in need of refills, but "Oh well," you say, "Black is fine!."

Having adopted what you believe is a positive attitude, you go forth bravely into the daylit world. You carry your trash to the dumpster, slipping and almost tripping over random heaps of dirty old snow but, nonetheless, making it there and back without falling and breaking a single one of your elderly bones which you have been told are now certifiably brittle.



Next you attempt to vacuum cat hair off the carpet which, given the amount of shedding your cat does, is a little bit like trying to sweep the sand off a beach.


After that, you decide to tackle the laundry. No problems there until it's time to take things out of the dryer. "Nice, warm, clean clothes," you tell yourself in a chirpy Harriet Homemaker voice.  However... The strings on two pairs of your drawstring pants have apparently crawled out of their casings and wrapped themselves like anorexic pythons around various articles of clothing. Thus, you are engaged for several minutes in an untangling, re-threading event which plainly demonstrates that your fine motor ability is only marginally better than when you were in second grade. You also discover that out of nineteen odd socks, only six are legitimate pairs.

At this point, you are somewhat irritated but nowhere near what one would call upset. Then you go to retrieve the mail and discover that your health insurance has been cancelled. This makes no sense to you since you know that the monthly premium amount has been regularly deducted from your checking account. A visit to your bank's web site confirms that this is so. You go to print this evidence of fiscal responsibility only to find that your cartridge is out of ink and the two new (expensive) cartridges you just bought are the wrong ones.

You attempt to call the insurance company and are informed,  after listening to a number of irrelevant messages, that their offices are closed.

At this point, you are thinking that the best course of action might be returning to bed. Instead you attempt to quell your anxiety by doing a crossword puzzles but the one you choose only serves to demonstrate that your mental acuity has definite limits and you can no longer remember who wrote the poem, Musee Des Beaux Arts though you're pretty sure his name begins with the letter a. You wonder if living with integrity decrees that you should give back your BA in English lit.

You decide to spend some "down time" rocking gently and quietly in your antique bentwood rocker which is located next to a window that overlooks the courtyard of your apartment complex. This seems to work for awhile until you spy a strange man who is apparently peeing against the wall of the opposite building. You reflect that you live in a proper, mainly upper middle class, community where behaviors like this are not supposed to happen. "Perhaps the poor soul has a urinary tract disorder," you reprove yourself. It also occurs to you that your reaction is based on some snobbish sense of entitlement. I mean what qualifies you, in particular, to live out your life in an environment free of public urinators? At this point, you realize there's absolutely no sense in denying that you have become demonstrably UPSET.

You arrive at your daughter's house for dinner in an agitated state and manage to spill almost the entire contents of a pint size container of feta cheese all over the table, the chair, the floor and yourself. Pebble-sized white chunks of this substance are lodged in the grooves of the chair and a few have already been crushed and smeared under foot. With downcast eyes and burning cheeks, you quickly begin the process of cleaning up. "It kind of looks like barf," your eleven-year-old grandson comments matter of factly.

Suddenly find yourself laughing so hard you have to cross your legs to keep from wetting your pants. After staring down at you in consternation and disapproval for several minutes the rest of your family starts laughing too.

After all, what else can one possibly do.


24 comments:

  1. That's one heck of a day. Laugh or cry, and laughing is so much more appealing. :O)

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    1. I had a wonderful friend who taught me that nothing -- however alarming or grim or just plain annoying -- is outside the realm of humor. Thanks for your comment.

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  2. Bless your heart! Data for future reference...if the coffee isn't right, the day isn't right. That is a fact! :)

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    1. Next time something goes wrong with my morning coffee ritual, I'll go back to bed. Oh how re rely on that wonderful beverage!

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  3. no doubt you reached for solace in the form of the bag of paotato chips. You tore the bag open and reached in..."crumbs!!" Not a full sized chip in the bag! In a moment of optimism you exclaim "I'll make that potato crusted Tilapia I've been curious to try"....then on the other hand you muse..."why spoil such a fine day?" :)
    Thanks for good chuckle on being human, and of course, leaving the light on for HOPE to come in..... Marc :)

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    1. Had I indulged in potato chips that day, they would most certainly have been crumbs -- or else an empty bag that one of my grandsons had put back in the cupboard.

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  4. Very good write. I felt like I spent the day with you.

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    1. Thanks. I sometimes think that bad things come in threes or multiples of three -- my superstitious, Celtic nature, I guess.

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  5. oh you got me with the "transformative state" LOLOL gawd..upset but RIGHT ATTITUDE! you go girl! Here's to a great cup of coffee TODAY! CHEERS! great write!

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    1. Thanks. I tend to agree with Jo that when the coffee goes wrong, everything goes wrong.

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  6. Ahhh--all I can say is kids can sometimes bring out the best in us--just by being kids!! LOVED this--I was with you all day!!

    Cheers, Jenn
    http://www.wine-n-chat.com

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    1. Thanks. I agree with you about kids. Their comments help put things in perspective.

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  7. What a day!! Oh my, I have found the milk in that state before and it scared the living hell out of me! LOLOLOL Great post!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com/

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    1. Curdled milk is kind of scary-looking, so is any kind of food in the process of going bad. Nature at her most grotesque. Thanks for your comment.

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  8. W. H. Auden--but of course you know that, and I too get more and more of those brain cramps lately. This is wonderful. I've had days (and loads of laundry) like this, but I couldn't express it nearly as well as you do. This is my first trip to your blog, but I'll definitely be back! (Love your pictures, too--where did you get them?)

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    1. Thanks for your comment. The day I can't remember Dylan Thomas is the day I admit myself to a nursing home. Yes, brain cramps are infuriating especially in regard to knowledge you worked hard to obtain. As for my pictures, they are (unfortunately) the result of my being a cyber-ignoramous. I simply googled, copied and pasted. However, my much-smater-and-more-computer-literate daughter informs me that I may be infringing on copyright laws. Thus, I will try to become proficient in cartooning and photogrophy.

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  9. Think we all have days like that sometimes - and then the only thing to do is laugh! Glad you were able to.

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  10. Mom, check out my blog for an award. :)

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  11. What a day! I felt your every emotion!

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    1. Thanks! I've decided you can predict how things will go by the morning coffee ritual. If that goes badly, everything else is likely to go badly, too.

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  12. Awesome post - it took me on a journey. lol that was great.

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  13. Thanks! I guess we've all had one of those days when virtually everything that can go wrong does.

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